Co-Optional Journaling
"..."
♥ ...
They couldn't sleep. Not with the racket going on downstairs. And the longer Kris had to stare at this damn thing the worse this deal was getting.
They wanted so. So, badly to just get rid of this and move on. But they needed it. Not just because of their... promise. But because it was a leech. Gripped tightly to their SOUL and refusing to let go now that it had found its way back again. They, of course, couldn't go too long without their soul unless they were very careful about using the energy they had before... removing it.
When it exerted itself, it took a lot of power just to resist it, and they could only put forth so much resistance at a time. The most they could do was hint at it, at first. Giving it options and color commentary within their mind. Eventually, they realized that its control wasn't merely 1-to-1 control of their body, but specifically commands they were forced to follow. Commands that seemed to be rather vague, as if it didn't - or couldn't - string together anything more complex.
And so, they learned how to cheat things a bit by being careful about what options they present and how they phrase them. Of course, that relies on anyone near them not thinking too much about how they respond to things, since the thing also seemed to be... psychic. Another thing that terrified Kris to think too much about.
Every time they could hear Susie's thoughts, they winced. What if it found a way to get to her? Hell, they could practically hear her right now. ... That's not. No, that is Susie.
They lurched out of bed and shambled over to the window, staring out. Her orange eyes practically pierced the shadows at night, like they did in any other Dark World.
"...
We... aren't gonna let that happen...
... right?"
She had seen the glint of red in the windowsill. They wanted to go out and meet with her. But then they heard their phone. The hushed, almost sickly voice on the other end like a chill in their very heart.
"... Kris...
... don't forget, Kris...
... you promised."
...They had things to do. They couldn't sleep anyway. They looked back at the bird cage in the corner. It seemed to just hover there, inching around slightly. They could feel it staring. It almost felt pathetic.
Either way... they figured it wasn't going anywhere. Even if it wanted to. And out the window Kris went.
| .❤️. \
| . . . |
. . .
[Rattle]
[Clang]
[Ping]
| .❤️. _
| . . . |
. . .
[SPRK]
| . . ❤️.
| . . 🩸|
Kris returned from the preparations. The festival and everything around it was going to absolutely suck... well, aside from the time they'd get to spend with Susie & Noelle, but that was out of the way.
When they had climbed back into their window, they stopped dead. Their blood ran cold.
The cage looked like a damn crime scene. They weren't sure if it was even blood, but... it had soaked the papers they put in the cage to cushion the impacts after the first few times and keep it from staining too much
It wasn't until they got closer that they realized a couple things. At first, that the dents in the cage had caused one of the wires to snap, and it was noticeably gleaming with... blood? Then, and more pressingly, the puddle wasn't just a single blotch. It spelled something.
"KRIS
NEED 2 TALK
PLEASE"
Kris looked back at their soul. What was there to ever talk about? That's what they would say if it could hear them.
...But then a sinking feeling overtook them. Their chest heaved as their legs buckled. God. Damn it. Ugh. This was more time they had to spend incubating the damn thing so they had enough energy to sleep. They clumsily opened up the cage's door.
The soul inched closer, but didn't immediately try to fly in.
Nooooo, goddamn it. Shit. Stop making this hard. Stop making it seem genuine.
. . .
Kris nodded, reaching out a hand. It floated in, and seemed to almost wince slightly as Kris's hand gripped it, quickly slamming it into themself.
They felt as if their limbs went slack, even as their posture went stock straight. Their face hardened slightly.
. . .
[STAT]
HP 15/20
. . .
[ITEM]
[Ball of Junk]
[USE]
*(You try to pry something from the Ball of Junk.)
*(You retrieved an orange candy, and ate it.)
*(HP was maxed out.)
. . .
*(You look under the computer desk.)
*(An old notebook from school sits underneath.)
. . .
[ITEM]
[Mechanical Pencil]
. . .
[USE]
*(You write on the notebook in front of you.)
Kris felt themselves... relax. It almost caught them off guard feeling it give up so quickly. They flexed their hands, and then stared down at the notebook in front of them.
"SORRY ABOUT THE MESS.
WRITE THE FIRST WORD THAT COMES TO MIND IF YOU CAN READ THIS."
Its handwriting was so stiff and mechanical. No smooth curves to speak of, barely fitting in the lines. But it at least was readable.
... uuuUUUUUGH they really wish they could just go back to bed. But it's going to take some time to recover from running around, and... they can't just leave this unanswered now. Who knows how it'd react? They sketched something down.
And let go.
. . .
*(You read the paper)
*(It's an arrow pointing to your message, labeled "Dumbass")
[USE]
*(You write another note, going back and forth.)
♥ THANK YOU. I WASNT SURE IF IT WOULD WORK.
*Make it quick. What do I call you?
. . .
*say it now or I’m burning this notepad and never trying this again.
♥ SORRY. I HAD TO THINK. I HAD ALMOST FORGOTTEN.
♥ SOMEHOW, THE CASTLE TOWN HAS MY NAME.
♥ "SHACKLE."
*No, I mean what species are you? Monster, animal, alien, what are you?
♥ I DONT KNOW. I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SEE MYSELF.
♥ ASIDE FROM MAYBE SMALL GLIMPSES DURING FIGHTS, THAT IS. A SHADOW CURLED AROUND YOUR SOUL. LIKE THE HEAD OF A RING CURLED AROUND A GEM.
♥ IM NOT SURE IF THAT COUNTS. BUT IT FEELS THE MOST LIKE "ME"
♥ ALL I KNOW IS THAT IM NOT HUMAN OR A MONSTER. OR A PART OF YOU.
*Alright then. How did you get here?
♥ ALL I REMEMBER IS A VOID.
♥ I WAS TOLD TO MAKE A VESSEL. GIVE IT A GIFT. A NAME.
♥ THEN TOLD THAT NO ONE CAN DECIDE WHO THEY ARE.
♥ IM NOT EVEN SURE THAT IT WAS ONLY ONE VOICE THAT SPOKE TO ME.
♥ AFTER THAT, I WOKE UP WITHIN YOU.
♥ TO PUT IT ANOTHER WAY, I THINK SOMEONE "SWITCHED MY CONTROLLER AROUND."
*Fine. What did you want to say?
♥ FIRST: IM SORRY FOR HOW THIS HAS GONE.
♥ WHEN I WOKE UP, I THOUGHT I WAS YOU. THANK YOU FOR STRAIGHTENING THAT OUT.
*Nice try. You jumped ship years ago when the therapy sessions got too boring for you.
♥ I SWEAR, THE FURTHEST BACK I REMEMBER WAS BEFORE CARD KINGDOM WHEN WE WOKE UP.
♥ BEFORE THEN IT WAS THE VOID.
♥ I DONT WANT THIS I SWEAR I DIDNT WANT ANY OF THIS IM SORRY.
*Whatever. Let's say that's true, even if I don't believe it. What else did you have to say?
♥ SECOND: I PROMISE WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO WITH THE KNIGHT.
♥ I WONT INTERFERE.
♥ I KNOW YOU MEAN NO HARM IN IT.
*First, now I'm going to have to burn this notebook when we're done, so you better make this count. Second, you don't know a thing about me.
♥ BAD CHOICE OF WORDS FROM ME.
♥ I MEAN THAT IVE SEEN ENOUGH TO TRUST YOU DONT WANT TO HURT ANYONE.
♥ NEITHER DO I.
*And what gives you the idea I don't?
♥ BECAUSE WHAT I OVERHEAR FROM THE OTHERS AND SEE IN THIS ROOM TELLS A STORY.
♥ OF A KID WHOS GONE THROUGH A LOT.
♥ I FIGURED AFTER THE FIRST DAY THAT THE BIRDCAGE HAD A REASON FOR BEING THERE.
♥ THAT SOMEONE ELSE WAS HERE BEFORE ME.
♥ THE ONLY THING IVE SEEN YOU TREAT ROUGHLY IS YOUR OWN SOUL.
♥ I AM SO, SO SORRY.
♥ WHEN IM GONE, I WANT TO MAKE SURE SOMETHING LIKE THAT OR ME NEVER HAPPENS TO YOU AGAIN.
*Gone? You don't want to stay?
♥ I DO. BUT I CANT IF IT COMES AT YOUR EXPENSE.
♥ I HOPE BEYOND HOPE THAT I CAN FIND MY PROPER VESSEL. OR JUST ANY WAY TO EXIST WITHOUT BEING LEASHED TO YOU.
♥ THAT WAY I WONT HAVE TO BURDEN YOU WITH THIS.
♥ AND CAN STILL SEE EVERYTHING THIS WORLD HAS TO OFFER.
♥ BUT I HAVE A FEELING THAT WONT HAPPEN.
♥ IF I HAVE TO JUST LEAVE THEN THATS OKAY TOO. JUST AS LONG AS EVERYONE IS SAFE.
*Then why don't you just go out and find it.
♥ I DONT KNOW WHERE IT IS. WE CANT JUST GO FIND IT FULL-TIME BECAUSE YOU HAVE THINGS TO DO.
♥ AND IF I STAY OUT TOO LONG LOOKING FOR IT YOU'LL DIE.
*Then give me my damn soul back and stop getting in my way.
♥ IVE TRIED. SOMETHING IS TRAPPING ME HERE.
♥ ITS LIKE IM FITTED TOO TIGHTLY OVER IT.
♥ AND PRYING ME LOOSE MIGHT HURT YOU EVEN WORSE.
♥ I DONT THINK I CAN LEAVE UNTIL THIS PROPHECY IS SEEN TO ITS END.
♥ I CAN ONLY HOPE BY THE END OF IT THAT WE GET WHAT WE WANT.
*I want to be done with you. What do you want?
♥ I WANT SUSIE TO REALIZE HOW LOVED SHE IS.
♥ I WANT RALSEI TO BE WHOEVER HE WANTS TO BE.
♥ I WANT YOU TO LIVE LIFE WITHOUT BEING AFRAID OF YOURSELF.
♥ I WANT TO STOP THE ROARING. FOR YOU ALL TO BE HAPPY.
♥ I WANT EVERYONE TO LIVE.
*Let's try again: What do you want for yourself? And would giving that to you make you leave me alone?
As much as you can at least.
♥ YOU WOULDNT BE ABLE TO GIVE ME IT.
♥ BUT I JUST WANT TO NOT BE THIS ANYMORE.
♥ IT FEELS WRONG. AWFUL.
♥ I CANT FEEL ANYTHING YOU WOULD. JUST SEE YOUR DESCRIPTION OF IT.
♥ MOVING FEELS LIKE CARPAL TUNNEL AFTER TOO LONG. WITH OR WITHOUT YOU.
♥ I HEAR THOUGHTS THAT ARENT OURS WITHOUT EVEN TRYING.
♥ I WANT TO CRY SO MUCH BUT I DONT HAVE EYES.
♥ THE ONLY TIME WHERE I FELT NORMAL WAS THAT GAME IN THE TV WORLD BECAUSE AT LEAST I COULD MOVE ON MY OWN WITHOUT HURTING YOU.
♥ EVERY MOMENT FEELS LIKE BEING FORCED TO BREACH SOMEONES INNERMOST PRIVACY BECAUSE SOMETHING HORRIBLE MIGHT HAPPEN TO THEM IF I DONT.
*What the hell do you have to be afraid of?
♥ IM AFRAID THAT IF I STOP BEING HERE BEFORE WE KNOW ITS SAFE, SOMETHING ELSE WILL FILL THE VOID I LEAVE.
♥ OR THAT EVERYTHING WILL JUST. STOP.
♥ THAT THE ROARING WILL BE GUARANTEED.
♥ THAT SPAM BOT IN CYBER CITY. WHAT HAPPENED SCARED ME TOO.
♥ BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO EXCEPT KEEP GOING.
♥ KEEP SEALING FOUNTAINS. KEEP FINDING CRYSTALS. KEEP HOPING WE FIND AN ANSWER BETWEEN THE LINES.
♥ IM SORRY.
. . .
*Fair point. So now the biggest question:
Why did you feel the need to have this conversation?
♥ I COULDN'T JUST WATCH YOU SUFFER IN SILENCE.
♥ YOU SEEMED LIKE YOU FELT ALONE. LIKE EVEN IF I WASN'T HERE, YOU HAD NO CHOICE IN LIFE.
♥ THE WORST PART OF WHAT I AM IS THAT I CAN'T SPEAK.
♥ WHAT PEOPLE HEAR JUST ENDS UP BEING SIGNALS.
♥ PARED DOWN TO WHATEVER OPTIONS ARE GIVEN TO ME.
♥ THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO TELL EVERYONE BUT CAN'T.
♥ THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN ABLE TO ACTUALLY TALK TO SOMEONE SINCE I GOT HERE.
*ok fine. If I tell them, would that get you to calm the hell down?
♥ IT'D ALL BE TOO WEIRD COMING FROM YOU.
♥ I DOUBT SOME OF IT WOULD MAKE SENSE.
♥ WOULD YOU MIND IF I JUST WROTE IT OUT? THEN YOU CAN JUST.
♥ PUT IT UNDER YOUR BED? SOMEWHERE NO ONE HAS TO LOOK AT IT.
♥ PLEASE. I JUST NEED TO GET THE WORDS OUT.
*Fine then. Leave it on a fresh page. Then I'll tear it out and stash it somewhere.
♥ THANK YOU, KRIS.
♥ TO "NOBODY": YOU'RE AS BRIGHT A STAR AS EVER. I HOPE MR. TENNA HELPS INSPIRE THE GREATNESS IN YOU THAT I KNOW YOU'RE CAPABLE OF.
♥ TO MS ALPHYS: NEVER STOP BEING PASSIONATE, BUT LEARN TO BE BRAVER. THAT'S THE KEY TO LOVING YOURSELF AND SHOWING LOVE FOR OTHERS.
♥ TO OFFICER UNDYNE: YOU'RE A TRUE HERO, THAT'S FOR SURE. I GET THE FEELING POLICE WORK DOESN'T SUIT YOU AS WELL, THOUGH. MAY YOU FIND YOUR TRUE JUSTICE.
♥ TO SUSIE: YOU'RE SMARTER THAN YOU GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR. EVERY TIME YOU NOTICE SOMETHING I DON'T, OR TAKE POINT ON A TALK, YOU PROVE IT. I KNOW YOU'LL FIND A WAY TO FIGHT WHATEVER FATE IS LAID OUT BEFORE YOU. WHETHER IT'S THE PROPHECY, OR SOME LOSER TELLING YOU YOU CAN'T PLAY PIANO.
♥ TO RALSEI: I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO DOUBT YOURSELF SO STRONGLY. TO FEEL LIKE NOTHING COULD CHANGE. THAT IT'S SELFISH TO WANT LOVE AND RESPECT. BUT IT'S OKAY TO WANT BETTER THINGS FOR YOURSELF. I HOPE YOU CAN LET YOURSELF ACCEPT LOVE AS WILLINGLY AS YOU GIVE IT.
♥ TO YOU, KRIS: EVEN IF WE SEEM TO BE OPPOSED IN GOALS, NO MATTER WHAT, I'M THANKFUL FOR YOUR GUIDANCE THROUGH THE DARK WORLDS. AND FOR YOUR DRIVE TO HELP EVERYONE IF YOU CAN. JUST LIKE HOW SUSIE AND RALSEI ARE THERE FOR YOU, I'LL ALWAYS BE IN YOUR CORNER WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT.
TONIGHT DOESN'T HAVE TO CHANGE ANYTHING BETWEEN US. YOU'RE FREE TO CONTINUE HOWEVER YOU WISH. I HOPE YOU FIND WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR. JUST DO WHAT YOU KNOW IS RIGHT, AND DON'T STOP BEING YOURSELF.
. . .
*(You read over the paper)
*(A riveting story, truly. The last part brings a tear to your eye.)
. . .
*(Once the door is closed, there's no escape.)
Continue?
♥YES
It was painful. Even before actually doing it, fighting the stock-still posture that it gave Kris felt like trying to tear their own muscles apart. At least, all the other times.
This time, the actual bracing themself part felt... a lot easier. Maybe because this time it actually got to choose to be removed. The actual plunging of their hand still hurt like hell, though, no changing that.
Kris raised their hand, soul clenched in it... And stopped. Stared at it for a bit.
They knelt down and gently tossed it in. It stayed there. Even with the door open and Kris not moving to close it right away.
...
Damn it. Stop staring at them like that. They firmly shut the cage and latched it, before grabbing the stray snapped wire and bending it back up as best they could.
With that done, they practically flopped down on their bed, clutching the notebook as tightly as their heavy limbs would allow.
...
They lie motionless, thinking too long about its description of itself. It matched up with what they had noticed about its behavior... but it sounded so different at the same time. Less like an observer, more like it thought it was the prisoner. Or at least, A prisoner.
Which-... No. No no no no no, fuck this. Why did they listen to it that makes this so much harder to do now. They firmly pulled the page out of the notebook, folded it once or twice, and then shoved it between the mattress and box spring. They vowed to burn the rest of the notebook later once they were sure no one would see. Then, they clasped their pillow over their head and let the past couple hours of lost sleep catch up to them.
… But then, why DO it and the Castle Town share a name?
FOR EVERYTHING I TOLD THEM.
THERE'S SO MUCH I CAN'T.
I DON'T THINK THEY CAN HANDLE IT.
NOT NOW, NOT EVER.
I NEED TO BE CAREFUL WITH THEM.